I loved the article from Richard Miller, “Who is the Boss? Power Relationships in Families”. It was so simple and to the point about how a marriage relationship should be as partners and parents. I can’t say I necessarily learned anything new, but I was reminded of the importance of equal partnership in marriage. 

What stuck out to me most in this article was the section, “Parents must be united in their leadership.” The beginning explanation of this section said, “It is important that parents work together in their leadership in the family. Sometimes a parent forms a coalition with a child against the other parent. Although usually unspoken, a parent undermines the other parent. It is vital that parents support each other in the presence of their children. If parents disagree on parenting issues, they should discuss the issues in an “executive session” without the children present.” 

I was raised in a dysfunctional home where many things were good, but many things needed improvement. One of those things that needed improvement was the lack of family council. My parents only tolerated each other for us kids. They hardly ever talked about anything on their own let alone had a family council. It wasn’t until I started my mission that I began to realize what a family council even was and the importance of having weekly family councils. 

Cleave Unto Your Spouse

In Doctrine and Covenants 42:22 it says, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else.” Of course, the same applies to wives. Husbands and wives should each cleave unto each other and put nobody or nothing else before their spouse. President Spencer W. Kimball says, “the words none else eliminate everyone and everything. The spouse then becomes preeminent in the life of the husband or wife and neither social life nor occupational life nor political life nor any other interest nor person nor thing shall ever take precedence over the companion spouse.” 

This got me thinking about some of the problems often expressed between couples nowadays. I’ve heard from friends and coworkers that they often feel like they are unimportant to their spouse because their spouse comes home from work and spends their time on their phone or watching t.v. “They Twain Shall Be One:Thoughts on Intimacy in Marriage by Brent A. Barlow. He talks about this specific thing. He says, “a wife may not be interested if she feels her husband is unaware of or doesn’t care about the seemingly small struggles of her life. One wife once commented to me that she wished her husband would come home from work, look into my eyes, and ask me how I feel, how was my busy day, and then give me a kiss and a long hug.’ Most wives deeply appreciate little helps that show their husband is sensitive to their needs… Wives also enjoy romance. The problem here is that sometimes husbands and wives have a different definition of romance. Many wives include in their definition the time they spend together doing things they are both interested in…If the romance in marriage is limited to sexuality, wives may feel more exploited than loved.” This got me thinking about some of the problems often expressed between couples nowadays. I’ve heard from friends and coworkers that they often feel like they are unimportant to their spouse because their spouse comes home from work and spends their time on their phone or watching t.v.

Often times when thinking about marriage we think that marriage is between a man and a woman and that’s it. Wallace Goddard in his book titled Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage teaches that a marriage without God is an unhappy marriage and will fail if God is not added to the marriage. His teachings support the idea that the triangle is the strongest shape. When a marriage is between husband, wife, and God it creates an unbreakable and durable triangle which can withstand all kinds of pressure and stress. When a marriage is just between husband and wife, it creates a straight line which will snap when pressure and stress is added to it. There is a power added to us when we have God in our lives. Goddard states at one point in his book, “My testimony is that the puny mortal who leans on God is far more powerful than any humanist armed with any measure of talent and training. King Benjamin challenges us to recognize that we do not know all things that God knows. We are not able and God is.”

The last part of this quote is what really hit me. “We are not able and God is.” What does that mean for my marriage?  After thinking about that question, I realized that for my marriage it means that I do not know how my husband may be feeling at any given moment. I do not know what he needs to hear, experience, learn, etc. I can’t be the perfect person for him on my own because I don’t know (and can’t know) his deep inner personal needs like God knows them. God is all knowing which means he knows what my husband needs and what I need. He knows us more than we know ourselves. He is the only one who knows us perfectly and who can help us become the person that our spouse needs. Without Him and His knowledge, it is impossible to fulfill the greatest potential our marriage has. 

So what about those who don’t believe in God or who aren’t religious, but have a healthy marriage? Goddard responds to that by saying, “While there are those who have never heard His name who have healthy relationships, I believe that they must operate by his principles is they are to have a strong relationship. The Light of Christ lights every man and woman who comes to mortality… No man or woman comes to a healthy relationship without His prospering principles.” The Light of Christ is within us all at some point. So even though we may not be religious or may not have ever heard of Christ, we still are capable of implementing His principles into our relationships with not only our spouse but others around us as well. 

In The Seven Principles for Making a Marriage Work written by John Gottman it states, “Remember that the key factor in whether a repair attempt is effective is the state of the relationship.” Who would’ve thought that there was a right way to argue? Or better yet, a right way to handle conflict? Gottman continues to say, “In happy marriages, couples send and receive repair attempts with ease. In unhappy ones, even the most eloquent repair attempt can fall on deaf ears.” After reading this, I thought about my parent’s marriage and how their relationship with each other when they first got married. I started to remember some of the arguments they had and knowing what they know now, they can recognize the repair attempts they would make.

 Gottman teaches that “It is virtually impossible for people to heed advice (or repair attempts) unless they believe the other person understands, respects, and accepts them for who they are. When people feel criticized, disliked, or unappreciated, they are unable to change.” 

I love the quote that says, “Consecration in marriage is all about loving and serving our spouse.” I find that when I’m able to serve my girlfriend more, I feel more love and appreciation towards her. When these feelings are reciprocated and my girlfriend allows me to serve her, like calling people for her car, I feel entrusted and appreciative that she included me and trusted in me enough to help her out. I know that as we look for ways to compromise and serve each other, our relationship will be built off of a strong foundation.

This is a hard topic for me to talk about because I really haven’t seen how pride can effect marriage. My parents seem to have the best marriage in my eyes. And seeing that I am not married I can only read about what kinds of things pride can do in a marriage.  Somethings that my dad does to avoid pride in a marriage is that he always puts my mom first. He is the must unselfish guy I know. Not only does he put my mom first, he puts others first as well. My dad does so much for my family and, in my eyes, deserves to be put first and has every right to out himself first but he doesn’t. 

My mom on the other hand is also the same as my dad. She is the most caring person I know and is a prime example on putting others before herself. She understands the work that my dad does for the family and she does everything in her power to help. 

Pride can easily destroy a family. Pride is the opposite of love and easily and quickly gets ride of it as well. I can only think about what would happen if my dad decided to stop what he was doing and started doing what he wanted to do. I know that my family wouldn’t last long. It would be so easy for my dad to make up any excuse to just walk away.

I am not married so I have no idea what it is like to build and maintain a healthy relationship but I have had experiences in my life that are preparing me to work through tough times. When I was a senior in high school, I was talked into joining track. I never liked track and I bagged on it all the time for “not being a real sport.” Most my friends were doing it so I decided to put my pride aside and join the track team. Since I did fairly well at cross country, I decided I would do the 1 mile, 2 mile, 800, and 4×4. I put in a lot of work and tried my very best every race and before I knew it, I was racing to get into state for the 1 mile and the 2 mile but the lesson I learned and will never forget came when I was racing in the one mile race. To qualify for state, I needed to place in the top 3. There were about 8 or so racers in the race and on paper I was projected to get 3rd place. The race started and things were going fairly good for me but with half a lap left of the race, I was sitting in 6th place when I was 3 racers cross the finish line. I knew I wasn’t going to state but I worked too hard to just give up so I passed one racer with 100m left and then one more racer with 50m left of the race and ended up finishing in 4th place. I was upset and disappointed in myself because I felt I didn’t give it my best shot. After about 5 minutes of being upset, there was an announcement made that required all the racers in the 1 mile race to report back to the podium. When we all got back and we were told the the racer who placed 2nd was disqualified for stepping off the race track during the race and with that disqualification put me in 3rd and qualified me for state. I think about that experience a lot and I am so grateful that I decided to not give up when I could have easily given up. I know I would have kicked myself for a long time if I would have. I know this has nothing to do with marriage but the lesson I learned can be applied to everything including marriage. 

The most important thing to learn from this is enduring to the end. 3 Nephi 15:9 says “Behold, I am the law, and the light. Look unto me and endure to the end, and ye shall live; for unto him that endureth to the end will I give eternal life.” I know that if I would have just given up and didn’t push to finish the best I could have, then I would have missed going to state.

I grew up with a lot of cousins living in the same area as me. I am basically related to someone somehow and that is how it’s been my whole life growing up. Cousins grow up, move to college, get married and then head straight back to my home town for whatever reason. Watching all this happen has made me realize that I want to do that same thing. The marriage thing is a little tough for me because I am currently not dating anymore or even close but graduating and moving back seem more like a possibility. But thinking about all these wives and husbands of my cousins makes me think of their sacrifices. What if they didn’t want to move to my home town? What if they gave up something wonderful for a chance to make their spouse happy?  I think about the time when/if I get married. Would I want to give up living close to my own family to make my future spouse happy? Would I want to live somewhere else if it meant I got a good job that could provide for my family? There are a lot of different options that can make marriage hard or even put a lot of stress on a marriage. 

When I think of sacrifice I think of my mom. When my mom was growing up, she did not want to marry a farmer. She didn’t life farming and she didn’t want any part of farming. But then she met my dad and after 6 months of dating she decided that he made her happy and that he was a hard working man and was everything that she was looking for in a husband so she agreed to marry him when he proposed. Now they have 5 kids and have a strong marriage.  She says she thinks about what would have happened if she decided to stick with her plans of not marrying a farmer. Would she have been happy? Would she have a successful marriage? All these things she has thought about and to this day she will tell you that she made the best decision in the world.

When I think of couples who are best friends, I think of my childhood best friend. I don’t even remember meeting him that is how long him and I have been best friends. Recently he got married to an amazing girl. She is a returned missionary, preschool teacher, amazing cook, and beautiful! Him and her have so much in common. They a both in education when it comes to jobs, they both love sports, love to travel, love to try new things, and also love me a lot ;). Their marriage is super strong and you can tell that they love each other a lot and would do anything to make sure that the other is happy.  All this has made me feel that their sentiment override is super positive. They are just flat out best friends. I know what kind of friend my friend is. He is one who gets things done in the best way possible and he tries his best to avoid any kind of conflict. I think his marriage is so successful because she is his best friend. He has taken the meaning of friendship and amplified it by showing her respect and communicating to her so that they can continue to have a strong marriage. I know that my friend treats her right because he has treated me right while growing up. My friend has know that I love basketball more than anything and that it is one of the things that make me happy. One day, while we were about ten or so, my birthday was coming up and so my friend did some chores around his house to earn some money because he wanted to get me a Ray Allen Super Sonic Jersey. After a few weeks he was able to earn enough to get me the jersey which he presented to me on my birthday. Even though the jersey doesn’t fit me anymore I still take it everywhere with me. Now that my friend is marriage I can only imagine the thing that he is doing for his wife. I know that they are successful and that they are still working at having a strong marriage, but they will be successful forever because of their efforts.    

Growing up I had a friend who lived only 50 yards away from me. We are the same age and we have known each other for so long that I don’t even remember meeting him. One day during our senior year of high school, my friend came to my mom and asked if he would be able to sleep at our house during the night. Of course my mom said yes and so my friend and I shared the basement downstairs during the nights and every weekend. We knew that there were some problems going on at home and that it wasn’t a good place for my friend to stay so we are glad that he had a safe place to call home. We knew that it wasn’t safe for him to stay at his house. My friend tried to stay as busy as possible and strived to be as successful as possible. He was the ASB president during our senior year and had excellent grades. After graduation, he left home and continued his education where he got his bachelors and his masters in law school. Given his circumstances, my friend probably shouldn’t be where he is today but we are proud of him and are grateful that he was able to come to us for help that we were able to provide the help that he needed.

Seeing that I am not married but am searching to be married, where do I begin? Dating is obviously the answer and how do I find the right one? How do I know when I am ready? Growing my friend’s parents were really strong and then all of the sudden something changed for them. How do I avoid that? These are all questions that I feel have prevented me from getting married because I have been hesitant that I am going to fail. I look at my parents and they are really strong and got married at a young age. I’m 26 years old and in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints that is old. People start wondering what is wrong with you and why you aren’t married yet. It is just a tough time. I know and believe that everything is in God’s hands but in the mean time, it would be nice to know what I can do to help me progress in life with a forever partner.